Warner Bros/YouTube
Hi Ho there, friendly Internet neighbors. Spring has sprung! Except for those of you who live on the East Coast, in which case, snow hell on Earth has devoured you. Sorry about that! Perhaps a March Movie Preview will cheer you up, as you slowly wait for the sweet relief of sunshine.
As per normal, these movies are arranged from least to most sex-worthy.
WOULD NOT BANG
Chappie (March 6)
Vince would have you see this movie, but then again, Vince probably also hates you. His disdain is built upon a fancy education combined with his Jitz, and it knows no bounds. But back in real life, Chappie is a CATASTROPHE. Like, epically awful. The bastard hate child of Jar Jar Binks meets War Horse. Now, I’m not saying I don’t love a good hate watch as much as the next guy, but there’s something truly off-putting about robot torture porn coming from Jo-Burg suboptimals. To say the characters in this are one-note is to go a few notes too high. You? You can get frisky with this disaster, but as for me, I’ll be keeping the P clean here. Can’t risk the Jo-Burg clap. Wait, what’s that? I’ve already seen it? Oh. Never mind. I’m already infected.
Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (March 6)
This looks to be for the elderly. I know people liked the first one, but that’s no reason to go back to the well. As we all know, when you get older, that well be running very dry. Skippage, though it was nice to see Dev Patel competing against himself this weekend. All Dev, all the time!
Unfinished Business (March 6)
What initially looked to be a promising little comedy has been panned by everyone under the sun, and a few hybrid outer space aliens, too (we’re looking at you, Armond White). The flesh was willing here, as you have to love that Dave Franco. Who doesn’t adore him? He’s like the crazy younger brother of an even crazier guy! Still, gotta respect the wisdom of crowds here and keep the junk under wraps.
Cinderella (March 13)
Just not my kind of movie because I don’t own a van and lure unsuspecting children to it. I won’t be seeing or making any more odd sexual jokes about it. The prosecutors don’t need more ammo.
Divergent: Insurgent (March 20)
Clearly, it’s going to be terrible. They’ve got Shailene Woodley all gussied up in a women’s pro softball player haircut, and they’ve clearly asked Kate Winslet not to act AT ALL. The first one was horrible. Why would the be any different? It’s a bridge to the grand finale (French for “final swindle”).